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A Modest Test of Manliness

The Gerudo desert was hotter than ever, and Link had never been more grateful for the lightweight clothes Rhondson had made for just such occasions. Even still, sweat dripped from the straps of his spaulder down his dark red pants, and even into his gold open-toed boots. He idly wondered why he chose to make the journey across to Kara Kara Bazaar and Gerudo Town beyond during the hours when the sun was at its highest and most intense. Yet alas, wise decisions weren’t always his forte, so here he strode.

He drained his waterskin and ran a hand over the back of his neck. The shade trees of Kara Kara Bazaar were just ahead, promising a welcome respite from the midday heat. Not to mention a chance to fill his waterskin and change into the vai outfit required to go into Gerudo Town. He was used to it by now, even if it wasn’t exactly his favorite choice in clothing. At least it wasn’t as bad as the extremely tight green outfit he had found in a random chest. The hood on it was weird, as well as the overall cut of the pants and shirt. So, he shoved it into the bottom of his inventory and pretended not to remember it.

But nothing quite prepared him for the sight that greeted him as he took the final few steps into the edge of the oasis. A towering, muscular mountain of a Hylian was conversing with Beedle under a tree on the far side. Link eyed him from a safe distance while he refilled his waterskin and took a long drink.

The man was unlike anyone the Champion had ever encountered in Hyrule. He was twice Link’s height, with more muscles than the blond thought to be possible. His head was bald, with the exception of a narrow stripe right down the middle. The colors of his hair were garish, with the roots a light shade of pink. The tips were another shade entirely: a green that Link could only describe to be that of a hydromelon rind. 

And he was naked. Or, nearly so. The figure facing away from him was clad only in briefs that covered his backside and little more, much like a pair of ladies’ underwear.

Link shook his head to himself and settled under one of the larger palms a short distance away to catch his breath and nibble on some roasted nuts to replenish some of his strength. Such an odd man. 

He paused with a handful of nuts halfway to his mouth. The Hylian had turned, giving Link his first glimpse of two further strange things. The first, and most notable, was the massive golden cactus that he wielded like a sword. And the second was a tattoo on his left pectoral muscle. A tattoo of a hydromelon, with the name ‘Gram-Gram’ scrawled across it. 

Link’s hand fell into his lap as he stared incredulously at him. The more he looked, the stranger the man became. Was that a belly-button piercing? And… some sort of birthmark underneath. How in the name of Hylia had he never encountered this person before?!

The Hylian caught him staring and a wide, goofy grin crossed his face. He made his way over towards Link, giving the Champion only a few seconds to slip his blank expression back on. He pocketed the remainder of his nuts and stood quickly, tilting his head back to meet the stranger’s brown-eyed gaze. It was only then he realized the man’s face and shoulders were badly sunburned compared to the rest of him. Link internally grimaced. He had experienced the same pain himself. 

“I haven’t seen you around here before!” The voice was surprisingly jovial and light for a man of his stature. “Name’s Ashli, and I’m looking for strapping young men like yourself to take on a challenge!”

And I thought Bolson was gay. This guy makes Bolson look rather tame! Link thought to himself. “What sort of a challenge?” he cautiously asked.

“I’m glad you asked! Let's see where you lie on the 'Stud Scale,' my dude.” Ashli looked him up and down. “You’re a little smaller than some of the other contenders I’ve had, but you’ll still do nicely. Come, come! Into the desert so we can begin the challenge!” He flexed his free arm and gestured for the blond to follow him.

“The ‘Stud Scale’? What is that?” 

Ashli’s laugh reverberated all the way down Link’s spine and into his toes. “What’s that he asks? Why, my dude, it’s only the baseline every man in Hyrule should be measured by! And it’s done by a simple test! I’ll show you. Here!”

Link grimaced when he was handed a cactus nearly as tall as the Champion himself. The spine dug into his hands and arms, drawing small droplets of blood. He looked over at Ashli, finally noticing the wrapped bandages over his hands. “No hand protection, I take it?”

“Hah! That’s not very manly, now is it? Show me you got what it takes, and I’ll make sure you get a gift to take with you. One that you’ll never forget.” 

The wink that accompanied Ashli’s words gave Link an odd feeling in the pit of his stomach. The last time he had heard that, he had spent countless days collecting Korok seeds, only to receive a golden ‘gift’ from Hestu that resembled… Link shuddered and shoved the unpleasant thought from his mind.

He adjusted his grip on the large, prickly ‘weapon’ he had been handed and eyed it from base to tip. “What am I going to do with this?”

“How do you swing?” Ashli grinned down at him before planting his own golden cactus in the ground tip-down. “Wait. Don’t tell me. We’re about to find out.”

Link cocked his head to the side, trying to figure out what in Hyrule this man was up to and handling out of view of the Champion. When he turned with two head-sized fruit in his hands, Link blinked. 

“Are those hydromelons?”

“Of course! Best fruit in all of Hyrule! Best for this test too. Here’s how it’ll go. I’ll throw them at you as hard as I can, and you’ll hit them back at me. Further it goes, the higher you fall on the ‘Stud Scale’. Score good enough, and I’ll give you that gift I mentioned. Those arms of yours look pretty strong. We’ll see how it holds up.” Ashli tossed one of the melons up in his hand. “Ready, my dude?”

Link incredulously shook his head but picked up his pointy ‘bat’ nonetheless. “Ready.”

Ashli took two dozen paces further out into the desert while Link adjusted his stance. He had just enough time to get the cactus high enough to comfortably swing before the first projectile was soaring towards him.

The blond Champion reacted swiftly, moving with the grace that only a seasoned swordsman could. But rather than the satisfying sound of the melon being sent back, Link heard a squelching noise in combination with a heavy impact against his weapon. He reeled back and eyed his cactus which now had juices dripping down from the impaled fruit.

“Huh. Dunno why that keeps happening. Always does with the first fruit. Oh well! Just remove it and we’ll try again. I’ll give you three tries in total.” 

Link tried not to make a face while he pulled the sticky, dripping fruit off the cactus and tossed it into the sand a few steps away. “Three tries including that one or in addition to it?”

“Including it. We have to be fair, of course.” Ashli tossed the second one up and caught it easily. The sunburn on his face and shoulders was even brighter under the harsh desert sun. But he seemed not to notice if his gleeful expression was any indication. “Ready?”

Link gave a short nod and took his stance a second time. He knew what to prepare for this time… provided the fruit didn’t impale itself on his weapon again.

The second fruit connected with the cactus and flew back into the desert with a surprising amount of speed and height. Link lowered the makeshift weapon and watched it sail over Ashli’s head and travel another fifty paces before finally dropping to the sand.

The giant of a Hylian let out a whoop and ran over to it, picking it up to examine it. “Leaking but still good. That’s one of the farthest hits I’ve ever seen! Care to take your final try to beat it, or do you want to accept your prize now?”

Link debated for a moment but his competitive streak won out. “I’ll try it one more time.”

“Trying for the top of the ‘Stud Scale’. Good man! Last one then.” Ashli jobbed back to where he had been standing and grabbed a third hydromelon. He planted his feet in the sand, drawing Link’s attention to the fact that the man was also barefoot. In the scorching Gerudo Desert.

Link internally face-palmed. This man was clearly spending far too much time out in the sun to have maintained any semblance of sanity. But he was determined to prove himself, even if it was to a muscular man of questionable background. And that meant using a cactus like a weapon.

The third hit sent the heavy fruit over Ashli’s head again, this time trailing juice until it dropped to the sand five paces beyond the last. Link dropped the cactus while the buff man ran to check his progress. The blond grimaced as he pulled out spines out of his palms and fingertips. Bloodied hands were nothing new, but that didn’t mean he enjoyed it.

“I’d say that you’ve officially earned the ranking of ‘Top Stud’, my dude!” Ashli whooped as he jogged back to Link. “Lemme grab your reward!”

Link swallowed back his trepidation when he saw Ashli digging in the sand for something at the base of the furthest palm tree on the outskirts of the oasis. At least if it was buried in the sand, it couldn’t be that bad, could it?

His blue eyes widened in surprise, and he stepped back when Ashli straightened, holding a second massive golden cactus. 

“Surprise! My one and only ‘Ashli’s Gift’ for the only Top Stud I’ve ever seen! Who knew it would go to such a scrappy youth.” Brown eyes were shining as he crouched beside Link, still managing to be a full head taller. “Can I treat you to some refreshing hydromelon juice to celebrate your win?”

Link shook his head while he carefully strapped the oversized ‘weapon’ to his back. “I have other responsibilities, I’m afraid. Maybe next time?” He regretted the final words the moment they left his tongue.

“Next time? Oh, I would be delighted! Hit me up whenever you come around Gerudo Town!” Hope exuded from every rippling muscle when Ashli straightened. “I didn’t catch your name, stud.”

A genuine smile crossed the blond’s face. “It’s Link… The Champion of Hyrule.” He didn’t usually advertise his position or title. But it was worth it for the sheer enjoyment of seeing the widening eyes and look of recognition cross Ashli’s face in the couple of seconds before Link walked away.

The blond had to shake his head as he went back into Kara Kara Bazaar to replenish his supplies. The encounter had been unusual to say the least, but at least he had a story to share with Zelda. The story of how he passed a test of manliness and wound up with the title of ‘Top Stud’ of Hyrule.